Marriage is very interesting and the dream of a lot of people, but marriage is not compulsory and not a do or die affairs.
Many people are happily married and some people are struggling with their own marriages. Many marriages have fallen apart and some are enduring in their marriages and not happy with the domestic violence, torture, psychological and emotional abuse, but due to some reasons like; culture, tradition, financial instability, fear of being called single parents, a failure, divorcee and all what not, they remain in a very toxic marriage|relationship.
A lot of people overlooked their partners sexual incompatibilities, mental health, financial stability and so many things that needed to be addressed at the early stage of their relationship, courtship and jumped into the marriage. In the middle of the journey, they start to feel uncomfortable and want to end the relationship.
Many come out of the bad marriage alive and others don’t. Some come out very damaged.
These things are preventable and can also be managed or avoided if we make informed choices or decisions after getting to know each other very well.
No doubt that some people can still be very deceitful and not honest with the information they give about themselves of course, when you find out, you can annul the marriage if it affects your health and safety. You also have the rights to take legal actions against the person who misinformed you or misled you to be in that marriage or relationship.
Today, we are going to be learning about how to avoid these problems and what to know and do before getting into marriage or before getting married from two great people, Liz and Kanayo.
Liz Higgins is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Dallas, Texas, United States Of America, who offers premarital counseling and specializes in millennial couples. While Chief Kanayo O Kanayo is a Nollywood actor, writer and a Nigerian Attorney who has the interest of the young people in Nigeria at heart.
Let’s learn from their words of wisdom and what people who want to get married or planning to go into marriage need to know about each other and what they need to do before saying YES, I DO.
Every single couple — no matter how healthy, happy and into each other they are — are going to experience conflict at one point or another.
What to know before getting married: Advice from a couples therapist and an experienced elderly man.
You’re in love and you’re engaged, but are you really ready for married life?
Here are nine things Liz Higgins wants couples to know before getting married:
1. Your spouse is not going to complete you.
That famous line from “Jerry Maguire” sounds romantic, but don’t expect your partner to complete your life, Higgins said. “It’s really important for you to focus on you — not in a selfish way, not in a way that disregards your partner, but in a way where you understand taking care of yourself is going to help you bring your best self to your relationship,” Higgins said.
Couples need to be able to have a balance of separateness and togetherness, she added.
2. Be aware of the expectations you’re bringing into the marriage.
You probably want a lot from just one person: A companion, a passionate lover, good parent and more, so issues can come up after Higgins presents couples with “an expectation inventory.” Here are some sample statements — would you and your future spouse agree?
* My partner will meet all of my needs for companionship.
* I don’t believe romance should fade over time.
* I don’t believe that my partner’s interest in sex should be different than mine.
3. You won’t always feel “in love.”
“You could be with the most perfect partner in the world for you and you’re going to go through seasons where you feel like you’re not aligned and you’re not in love,” Higgins said. “That’s where it’s really important to be grounded in the values that you identify as a couple, versus trying to follow the feelings that you think you’re supposed to be having.”
4. Your partner’s family relationships are key.
How did your partner get along with his family? Were they close or distant? Was there conflict? That information is very significant, Higgins noted.
“Many of the themes in our family of origin repeat or resurface in marriage,” she said. “When couples are able to talk about that stuff without judgment, are able to listen and tune into their partner’s experience, it’s so huge. It creates a deep level of trust.”
5. Know your partner’s finances.
Higgins believes you should both disclose your entire financial situations. From there, start to decide: What’s the best way to manage the finances? Many young couples today have one joint account, plus their own separate accounts.
“That’s fine, if that’s what works. But you want to talk about it to make sure that’s not because you are feeling controlled or you’re bringing in insecurities,” Higgins said.
“Finances are where the mistrust and issues can surface. It’s one of the top reasons people divorce.” Money can be such a touchy topic that for some couples, talking about it can be more uncomfortable than discussing sex, she noted.
6. Conflict is inevitable — recognize your role in resolving it.
When you’re in the honeymoon phase, it’s hard to imagine there will be arguments or that your spouse has annoying traits and habits, but all of that awaits. How will you deal?
Often, the things you dislike or despise later in your relationship have more to do with you than your partner, Higgins said. It’s all about the vulnerabilities, insecurities and discomfort you bring in.
“A big piece about how to handle conflict and anger is knowing that it starts with yourself… how you can manage your own anxiety, practice healthy ways of taking care of you, and just making sure you’re in a good place to address whatever stressors are happening,” she noted.
From there, it’s about knowing how to come together and communicate as a couple. People are very quick to respond and react, but what you need to do is stop, be present and listen, Higgins advised.
7. Discuss what a breach of trust would mean to you.
Will you be monogamous and committed only to each other, or are you OK with a more open marriage? It depends on the couple and what their personal boundaries and values are, Higgins noted.
What would a betrayal mean to you? For some people, unacceptable behavior can mean flirting, sending texts or having an emotional affair. For others, the only deal-breaker may be sleeping with someone else. Talk about it before you get married.
8. When the going gets tough, don’t call it quits right away.
Many young married couples get divorced very soon — less than five years into their marriages, Higgins has observed.
“There’s a mentality in our world today that if something’s not working for you, get rid of it,” she noted. “But conflicts in marriages and relationships are opportunities to grow.”
Unless you’re experiencing abuse or other intolerable behavior, give yourself the chance to try to work things out, she advised.
9. Express love
Research by psychologist John Gottman found a “magic” 5-to-1 ratio among healthy couples: For every one negative interaction during a conflict, people in a stable and happy marriage had five or more positive interactions.
“The positivity is crucial. It’s really important to feel like you’re in a good place, and that is definitely shown through the little acts of love,” Higgins said. “Not the big things, like planning lavish trips or spending a million bucks on your partner, but just waking up in the morning and giving them a kiss.”
Attorney Kanayo O Kanayo concluded by giving this awesome advice|suggestion:
Pre wedding medical test for couples:
1. Genotype Test
2. Blood group
4. Hepatitis B and C
6. Fertility Test
7. Possible chronic genetic order (disorder)
8. Thalassemia Test
9. Mental health assessment|Psychiatric Evaluation
Don’t just waste time on pre wedding pictures.
By: Dr. Sandra C. Duru | Daily Soul Tonic